Wednesday, January 30, 2008

A CLASSIC Myspace blog Vol. 1

Occasionally, I will repost blogs from over on my MySpace page as way to insure that nay new readers over here get to further witness how far back my genius goes... and Also to fill prevent them getting deleted from Myspace's stoopid blogging program.

Anyway enjoy this CLASSIC WKB MISSIVE from May, 2007. Ahhhh, the country was so much younger then.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Nigga please! Seriously. Please, nigga please!
Current mood: thirsty
Category: Blogging

So now Def Jam CEO and Orignal Buddhist Gangsta, Russell Simmons, has jumped on the acceptable language bandwagon. Now although the media is trying to make it seem like Simmons is advocating the banning of the words 'ho', 'bitch' and, 'nigger' completely, from what I can tell he is only saying that these words shouldn't be on the radio. I have no problem with that. And if I thought about it, there would probably be many things that I would like banned from radio like any bands whose names sounds like a bad accident... Panic At The Disco, Arcade Fire, Fall Out Boy, Ashlee Simpson. Thankfully my iPod has made thoughts of radio unnecessary.

All praises due to Steve Jobs.

But anyway, I'm gonna go on record (or whatever the Internet records rambling rants on) as saying I am actually fine with the absolute banning of the word that is ultimately at the center of all these problems.


Let's not be coy. 'Ho' and 'bitch' and any other slur of your choice is nowhere near as offensive in the wrong context... (Or is it the right context?) Not even the word 'cunt' is as offensive as the word 'nigger'..

Interestingly enough, my computer is telling me that 'cunt' is not a word.

Apparently... it's just an ex-girlfriend who lives in downtown Oakland.


Cue the Johnny Carson theme music.

Trust me. If a male comic calls an unruly female audience member a 'cunt' laughter will ensue, but if a white comic calls an unruly black audience member a 'nigger', the room suddenly turns into a Kramer-torium.

So, if it is truly for the betterment of society, then I am all for the ending of the 'N' word. (Say it out loud. It sounds cool... "ending of the 'N' word.)

I am all for getting rid of "nigger' in every scenario (music, television, comedy, conversations with my mom). Yup, I'm all for the elimination of that word in every way.

Except one...

Nigger please!

Or as it is normally spoken, "Nigga please!"

As far as I'm concerned that is the most hilarious expression in the English language. Just say it to yourself right now... Come on. Do it.... You have permission.

NIgga please.

Nigga pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!


Ain't it fun?

It just rolls of the tongue. I swear to you that there's no idiomatic phrase that expresses incredulity as effectively.

Not "What did you say?" or "Ex-squeeze me? Baking powder?" or "What you talking about, Willis?"

Not even "Nigger what?" (or as pronounced "Nigga whuuuuuuuuut?) I think it doesn't work as well because it is a question, not a call to action like "Nigga please."

I'm even okay with people of all ethnicities using it. It could be kinda like a meeting ground for all of society. Let's face it. Both black and white people (and yellow and brown people want to say 'nigger'. (You know, I've never heard a native American say 'nigger'. Maybe they feel like they have enough problems.) If all these people want to say 'nigger', let's just contextualize it a little. 'Nigga please' is like giving training wheels to the word 'nigger'. It helps us all keep our balance a little bit when we drop an 'n bomb'.

I think I first fell in love with 'nigga please' when I was 13 years old and rented (or had my stepmom rent...) the movie, "The Last Dragon" or as it is properly billed, "Berry Gordy's The Last Dragon" which is not to be confused with "Berry Gordy's..." umm... Berry Gordy's nothing else actually, as I believe it was the only movie that was produced by his record company, Motown. Okay, probably 'The Wiz', too.

Anyway, BG'sLD is a CLASSIC! It is the perfect storm: a combination Blaxploitation and Bruceploitation (That would be Bruce Lee exploitation for the novices. Wikipedia it.) It wasn't a hit... probably because it came out ten years too late to be relevant to either genre. And that's not it's only problem. Since it was produced by Motown, it has a soundtrack filled with Motown artists. Unfortunately since this was the mid eighties, instead of getting The Jackson 5, The Temptations, and Stevie Wonder, we get treated to De Barge, Some white woman who they clearly thought would be a blond Pat Benetar, and Stevie Wonder... ummm... 80's Stevie Wonder... and not even something as middle of Stevie's road as "I Just Called to Say I Love You." It's some song where the chorus is... "I have an upset stomach from a broken heart, a tear stained pillow from my crying eyes, and a migraine headache that just won't go awaaaaaaaaaaaaaay..."

But on the upside, it co-stars Vanity. Yup, THAT Vanity. You may remember her in such other movies as 'Action Jackson' with Carl Weathers and "Oops, I Shoulda Done Purple Rain' with Apollonia.

In one of the movie's MANY classic moments, the villain, Sho'Nuff (the shogun of Harlem) challenges the hero, Bruce Leroy (That's right I said, "Bruce Leroy.") to a fight. And during the run up, Sho'Nuff says, "I'm tired of hearing tales of the WATAAH, legendary Bruce Leroy, catching bullets with his teeth. Catching BULLETS with his TEETH?!!! (Wait for it...) NIGGA PLEASE!"

Cut to a 13 year old Kamau literally hitting the floor... Okay, I don't know if I hit the floor, but I instantly knew that I had just heard one of the funniest things that I would EVER hear. But unfortunately since at the time I was living in Mobile, AL with my conservative father and stepmom and going to a nearly all white catholic school, there was little chance of 'nigga please' becoming a part of my regular lexicon.

Unrelated aside (Skip it if you wanna.)

The ultimately most sad part about this movie is that as AWESOME as the actor who played Bruce Leroy was. (He was credited with the one name, Taimak... It was the 80's after all.) He never really appeared in much again. Years later, I was watching an episode of 'A Different World' (as all middle class black kids were forced to do) and I realized suddenly, "HEY! I know who that date rapist is! It's Bruce Leroy!!! Run Whitley. RUN!!! He can catch bullets with his teeth!"

Unrelated aside over

So, if I'm gonna advocate the use of 'nigga please'. I should provide a tutorial to help you know how to drop in conversations most effectively.

Correct Use of 'Nigga please!"

1) "I think The Golden State Warriors have a legitimate shot to win a championship this year."

"Nigga please!"

2) "Hey man, could I hold like $20 until payday?"

"Dude, you already owe me $40! Nigga please!"

Incorrect Use of 'Nigga please!'

1) "Reverend Al Sharpton, could you pass the salt."


"Nigga pleeeeeeeeeease."

So there it is. Let's al just agree to only say the word 'nigger' if it is followed by the word 'please'..

Got it? Good.

Alright, so now that I've solved THAT whole problem, I'll move onto putting the section of the expressway in Oakland back in place.

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